Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
