I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
