Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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