woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I smell like Dick and happiness
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
