dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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