im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
