in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
