take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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