Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
