He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
