I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
