I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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