I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
