Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
