have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
