i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dick very happy bro
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
