Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
