Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
being pregnant is like rehab
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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