You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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