seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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