Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
