one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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