She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
