i would punch a child for taco bell
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
