Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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