I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
