i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
