but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
