I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
