The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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