he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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