Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
