awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
