why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
