You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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