Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
