can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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