A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
