you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
