Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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