Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize