I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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