It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
