What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
