He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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