Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
