Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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