I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
