I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
