she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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