i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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