Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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