so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
