i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
