Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
