I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
