Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
