Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
