so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
nutella sex= disaster
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
