hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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