Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
