Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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