Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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