Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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