She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
