So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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