When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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