Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
