Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
