angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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