the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
