guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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