I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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