my mouth tastes like poor choices
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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