He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
