That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize