I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
