She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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