What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
